friendship..
i am noticing what a lousy friend i am. and how i basically have such a limited capacity for it. i do not really have it in me to offer much.
i guess the first thing that comes to mind is one friend who lives relatively close. there have been a bunch of times where he has asked me if i wanted to tag along when he does stuff with other friends -- be it AYCE, going to the city, or just hanging out with him and another friend of his (who lives closer to me than he does). and i think i have declined every time. a part of it is my stinginess. not having a job, i try to limit the things i spend money on. especially if it is for an activity as opposed to something more concrete -- like a book or cd. (this is because i do not have a job, but that whole scenario falls under its own, though not completely unrelated, rant) but even aside from that i very rarely feel motivated or enthused about hanging out with people (though i usually end up having a pretty good time). especially with meeting new people. which can probably be attributed to the cumulative previous experiences (obviously?).
of all the people whose paths have crossed mine, i have established a friendship with so few. i am basically friendly with most of them -- but that is different than friendship. for instance, the previous friends of friends (basically through one friend, i guess) have never really become friends of mine. with i think the one exception being the one friend who lives relatively close. most of the people do not live nearby, but i was open to (and sometimes would even want) having email correspondences. aside from some emails here and there, they never really came to fruition. so it just amounts now to seeing time sometimes when with the friend, with the conversation usually limited to jokes.
other people i have come across on the internet. a bunch of whom i established (and tried to establish) email correspondences with. some lasted longer than others, but they all ended eventually. most were probably over after a relatively short period.
then there are those whom i met on my own in 'real life.' which would probably consist entirely of those i came across during my brief college experience. i guess i thought i was pretty good friends with about a handful of them.. but once i started commuting they started to deteriorate. and then a summer apart was pretty much enough to end whatever was left (save a few emails to the one i was closest with). i think i tried at least emailing, with few to no replies. and there were no phone calls either way. so that was that.
i think most people lose touch with their high school friends. and i am no exception. aside from one (my best friend), i am no longer friends with any of them. i think the ones i lost there are mainly my fault though...
i wrote the above a while ago. it was around the week before christmas i believe. picking it up now..
i guess the main reason i feel i have so little to offer is the condition my life is in. because it is so stagnant. i have no no stories and experiences to share. so conversation is usually very one sided. the cliche question of "what's new?" can be answered with one word -- "nothing."
i guess i feel i also have little to offer because of my disposition. i often feel depressed, or at least cynical. so i imagine that would drag people down. i know it can for me when i have been around it at times.
not really sure what else i had in mind when i began this entry. one of my main motivations was as a response to dave. when i commented in his journal he replied with something about wanting to maintain a friendship but not knowing how to contact me and where to email me. and i was thinking how the whole "nothing new" thing would give me little conversation to offer when catching up. and how in general i am in and have been in a period where i am rather reluctant to pursue relationships/friendships. i am not really comfortable putting myself out there. and not really confident in my ability to be there for another. i dunno. well, since it has been so long since i first started writing this, i will just post this now. and if i want to add anything more, i will just make an ammendment. hah.
oh. i think another of the reasonings is how life seems so strange to me. i probably look into it too much. thus i lack "equanimity" or a proper balance from which to act. i sometimes find myself watching things as if i were an outside observer. watching myself interact with people. and the whole "why are we here?" and "what is life?" thing just kind of freaks me out. i can not make sense of life or find some way to give it a meaning i can believe in. and this makes me very tentative in my interactions with others. |